Change: One step on The Road Forward

Ka Mate Kainga Tahi; Ka Ora Kainga Rua

This whakatauki means “nothing goes home the first time; life will go home the second time”.

It could also mean, “If one door closes another one opens”. Or it could be understood as… perseverance, plus hope, equals change. Problem is, change is uncomfortable - so we tend to avoid it at all costs.

Change brings us closer to our values, and living true to our values makes us happier. But there’s a catch – change is uncomfortable. As humans, we’re actually wired to avoid it – to avoid the distress of exposing ourselves to the unknown. Because in the unknown lurks potential danger - there might be a big tiger there, waiting to eat us.

Trouble is, without discomfort there can be no growth. Although clients seeking professional help from a counsellor or therapist might be aware they need to change, they might not know where to begin, or they might not be ready to start. They might be angry, raging against a world that has wronged them.

If their problems are all perceived as external, they might continue engaging in avoidant behaviour - trying to protect themselves from danger. And as they avoid stressful situations, with unhelpful coping mechanisms like avoidance or drug use or self-harm, their window of tolerance narrows.

Choice

That’s where the value of Peer Support lies. We walk alongside our peer clients/whaiora, ready to take that step when they are ready – not forcing them, because autonomy is central to building and maintaining a trusted relationship.

Sexual assault is an act of violence which takes away a person’s autonomy, and it’s our job to help them regain it. If they’re not ready, we can begin by helping them find their strengths, and through that process they might find the “why” that could set them on the path of change.

Distress tolerance isn’t about “sucking it up”. It’s more about learning to react differently to discomfort, to allow our brains to realise that we’re not in danger any more – we’re feeling uncomfortable. Feeling uncomfortable can be really distressing, especially for Survivors, because when you have a trauma like sexual assault, your body might not have learned that it’s safe yet – it’s still in fight or flight mode.

Like any muscle, your distress tolerance needs to be stretched and exercised. But what’s the motivation to keep going?

Why?

Which leads us to the “why”. Your “why” is the main reason you want to make a change. Maybe it’s a set of values you want to move toward, or an important goal you want to achieve. When you’re clear about it, it becomes your Matariki – your guiding Star.

Remembering that “why” can help make the process of increasing distress tolerance more tolerable. Why do we want to get more comfortable being uncomfortable, what’s the point?

The point is, we want something different. Maybe it’s to show up differently as a parent, friend or partner. Maybe we want to get back to things we used to enjoy but no longer due because of our anxiety. Our “why” is important to us when we’re not worrying excessively.

Starting the process of change can be daunting. It’s a bit like trying to turn an ocean liner – if you look at the enormity of the situation, it can seem unmanageable.

But we know that small changes can lead to bigger changes – and most of us already have what what we need inside us. It’s just a matter of tapping into those all-important strengths and values. If you're not sure how to do that, take a look at this short video by Russ Harris.